AGLBICAL
COMING OUT
RESOURCES
ON THIS PAGE
Preparation for
Coming Out
Coming Out
to Parents
When Someone
Comes Out to You
Why come out?
To develop a healthy
LGBT
identity.
It is more honest and
real.
To end the stress of
hiding
and living a double life.
To get increased support
from other LGBT people.
To live a fuller life.
What do LGBT people
want from the people
they come out to?
Support.
Acceptance.
Understanding.
Comfort.
To be treated as the
same
person they were
before coming out.
Closer friendship.
That knowing won’t
negatively affect
their friendship.
A hug and a smile.
An acknowledgment
of their
feelings.
What are LGBT
people
afraid of?
Rejection.
Loss of
relationships.
Gossip.
Harassment
or abuse.
Being ostracized
by the
family.
Being thrown out
of the
house.
Loss of
financial support.
Losing their job.
Physical violence.
Being treated differently.
LINKS ON
COMING OUT
Coming Out
And Staying Out
HRC
Coming Out
Project
Coming Out
Stories
Out Proud
Stages of
Coming Out
Gay Health:
Coming out
Articles
Out Path:
Coming Out
Archives
Gay Dads
All Things Queer:
Coming Out
Stories
Born Different
NATIONAL COMING OUT DAY
Even Pop
Superstar Pink is Talking About It!
In celebration of National Coming Out Day on October 11, the Human
Rights Campaign has created the first online public art project
encouraging Americans to Talk About It.
The Snapshot Photo Project celebrates gay, lesbian, bisexual,
transgender and straight Americans who support living openly and talk
about the things that make us all different – and just as importantly,
the ways that we are all the same.
This is an easy, fun way for everyone to participate in National Coming
Out Day!
It’s easy to be a part of HRC’s Snapshot Photo Project :
1.
Download a “Talk About It” sign from the website,
http://www.hrc.org/snapshot
2. Take a picture of you, your downloaded sign, and
someone that you would like to 'Talk About It' with
3. Upload your digital image to HRC's Online Photo
Gallery
Once your image has been approved (usually later that day), you will
receive an e-mail letting you know that you can view your image in the
Gallery, and send an e-mail to your friends and family directing them to
view your photo in the public gallery.
The
HRC Snapshot Photo Project is a great way to
open dialogue about your support for equality with friends, family and
coworkers. It is also a fantastic way for you to celebrate openness and
honesty on National Coming Out Day!
Join this project today at
http://www.hrc.org/snapshot
THE COMING OUT PROCESS
Personal Comments
"I wanted to be out so
I could relax and be me."
-Melissa Etheridge / Musician
The term “coming out”
refers to the life-long process in developing a positive identity as a
gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgender person. It is not something that
just happens one day; it is an ongoing process of several steps. First,
the person must accept him/herself, and be somewhat comfortable with the
fact he/she is gay. Next, the person usually tells his/her closest
friend or group of friends to “test” how comfortable hey might be with
disclosure. Another step is when the person might find a partner or
start dating someone. Then come the most difficult step, in many cases,
when the person decides to tell his/her parents, other family members,
or employer.
This process is very long and difficult struggle for many people since
they have to confront many opposing ideas and homophobic attitudes. Many
people first need to struggle with misinformation and stereotypes that
are taught them while growing up. Before someone can feel good about who
he/she is, the person will need to challenge his/her own attitudes and
move from wherever the person is on the homophobic continuum, which
might include feelings of repulsion, pity, and/or tolerance, to feelings
of appreciation and admiration. After many years of painful work to
develop a positive identity and attitude, many will then decided whom to
tell that they are gay/lesbian/bisexual/transgender.
"The world changes in
direct proportion to the number of people willing to be honest about
their lives."
-Armistead Maupin / Writer
"When my friends and I
came out in college, the other students took an obvious dislike to us.
It was hateful. horrible rhetoric - and divisive. I lost some friends.
I felt like they just couldn't step up to the plate. It was very hard -
really hard - to deal with that, and to tell them that they were not
being very supportive. You learn many valuable lessons about what
friendship means. It's those first five minutes in coming out to your
friends and acquaintances that are really the hardest. But after that -
things get better than before. The most important thing you can do is
come out. People's hearts have to change - and when a person meets
someone who is gay, that more than anything seems to make them
understand and take on new attitudes."
-Suzanne Westenhofer / Comedian
THE COMING OUT MODEL
Six Situational Stages
The Cass Model (Vivian Cass, 1984) is one of the more well-known and
widely used models for coming out and LGB identity development. It is
very common for individuals to move from one stage to another out of the
listed order or even be in more than one stage depending on the
situation. Individuals often move back and forth between stages and are
sometimes at a midway point between stages. The model should be thought
of more as a continuum that people can move about freely. It should
also be noted that the primary participants in Cass’ original study were
white gay men. Thus, this model should not be assumed to be equally
applicable to gay and lesbian people of color, bisexual or transgender
people, and women.
1.
Identity Confusion: "Could I be gay?" Person is beginning to wonder if
"homosexuality" is personally relevant. Denial and confusion is
experienced.
Task: Who am I? - Accept, Deny, Reject.
Possible Responses: Will avoid information about lesbians and gays; inhibit behavior; deny homosexuality ("experimenting," "an accident," "just drunk"). Males: May keep emotional involvement separate from sexual contact; Females: May have deep relationships that are non-sexual, though strongly emotional.
Possible Needs: Exploration of internal positive and negative judgments. To be uncertain regarding sexual identity. May find support in knowing that sexual behavior occurs along a spectrum. Permission and encouragement to explore sexual identity as a normal experience (like career identity, and social identity).
2. Identity Comparison: "Maybe this does apply to me." Will accept the
possibility that ze may be gay. Self-alienation becomes isolation.
Task: Deal with social alienation.
Possible Responses: Begins to grieve for losses ze may experience by embracing their sexual orientation. May compartmentalize own sexuality. Accepts lesbian, gay definition of behavior but maintains "heterosexual" identity of self. Tells oneself, “I'm just in love with this particular woman/man," etc.
Possible Needs: Important that the person develops own definitions. Will need information about sexual identity, LGB community resources, encouragement to talk about loss of heterosexual life expectations. May need to keep some "heterosexual" identity (it is not an all or none issue).
3. Identity Tolerance: "I'm not the only one." Accepts the probability of being homosexual and recognizes sexual, social, emotional needs that go with being lesbian and gay. Increased commitment to being lesbian or gay.
Task: Decrease social alienation by seeking out lesbians and gays.
Possible Responses: Beginning to have language to talk and think about the issue. Accentuates difference between self and heterosexuals. Seeks out lesbian and gay culture (positive contact leads to more positive sense of self, negative contact leads to devaluation of the culture). May try out variety of stereotypical roles.
Possible Needs: Be supported in exploring own shame feelings derived from heterosexism, as well as external heterosexism. Receive support in finding positive lesbian, gay community connections. It is
particularly important for the person to know community resources.
4. Identity Acceptance: "I will be okay." Accepts, rather than tolerates, gay or lesbian self-image. There is
continuing and increased contact with the gay and lesbian culture.
Task: Deal with idea of no longer subscribing to society's norm. Congruence between private and public self.
Possible Responses: Accepts gay or lesbian self identification. May compartmentalize "gay life." Maintains less and less contact with heterosexual community. Attempts to "fit in" within the gay and lesbian community. Begins some selective disclosures of sexual identity. More social coming out; more comfortable being seen with groups of men or women that are identified as "gay." More realistic evaluation of situation.
Possible Needs: Continue exploring loss of heterosexual life expectations. Continue exploring internalized
"homophobia." Find support in making decisions about where, when, and to whom ze self-discloses.
5. Identity Pride: "I've got to let people know who I am!" Immerses self in gay and lesbian culture. Less and less
involvement with heterosexual community. Us vs. Them quality to political/social viewpoint.
Task: Deal with incongruent views of heterosexuals.
Possible Responses: Splits world into "gay" (good) and "straight" (bad). Experiences disclosure crises with heterosexuals as ze is less willing to "blend in." Identifies gay culture as sole source of support.
Possible Needs: Receive support for exploring anger issues. Find support for exploring issues of heterosexism. Develop skills for coping with responses to disclosure of sexual. Resist being defensive.
6. Identity Synthesis: Develops holistic view of self. Defines self in more than just terms of sexual orientation.
Task: Integrate gay and lesbian identity so that instead of being the identity, it is on aspect of self.
Possible Responses: Continues to be angry at heterosexism, but with
decreased intensity. Allows trust of others to increase and build. Gay
and lesbian identity is integrated with all aspects of "self." Feels all
right to move out into the community and not simply define space
according to sexual orientation.
Adapted
from: Cass, Vivian,. Homosexual Identity Development, 1979, by Susan
Young, SIUC, 1995.
PREP FOR COMING OUT
Preparing Yourself
Have a serious talk with yourself. Clarify specifically what you hope will happen as a result of disclosure and what you expect will really happen. Without a clear purpose, your presentation of self may be a scary and risky experience without an attainable objective.
Select the particular person or persons to whom you wish to disclose. Tell the person(s) that you want to share something important, that you want to have a serious personal conversation. Although you cannot make someone ready to hear what you have to say, you can create a situation in which the other person feels ready for a serious personal conversation.
Select a time and a place. Avoid situations that may result in a lack of time or privacy. Neither you nor the other person can interact honestly and fully if ze does not feel there is enough situational privacy. Coming out is a continuing process, not a hit and run bombing mission or something done well in a crowded public place.
Keep your disclosure clean. That is, don’t clutter it up with attempts to punish, cause guilt or gain sympathy. Talk about yourself, your feelings and your experiences. Stay with “I” statements. Being LGBT is no one’s fault. What you as a person decide to do with your LGBT identity is your responsibility.
Allow time for surprise reactions. It is doubtful that you came into self-acceptance overnight. Asking that another accept and appreciate you faster than you have learned to appreciate yourself is self-defeating.
Be ready to clearly identify learning resources that are available to the person. For example, books, films, magazine articles, journals, counselors etc. As your learning has taken time and energy, the “significant other” will need time to digest your disclosure and ingest a new understanding.
An important step, certainly not the last priority, is the setting up of a LGBT support system. Participating in a gay, lesbian, bisexual, and trangender support group can help prepare you for disclosure to significant others in your life. It can also provide you with support and understanding during and after the disclosure. If this type of group is not available to you, having supportive friends, teachers, relatives, etc. is also a good source of support for the coming out process.
Coming out in our society is an endless process and being proud of being LGBT requires constant affirmation of self.
COMING OUT TO
PARENTS
Critical Questions to Ask Yourself
Are you sure about your sexual orientation and/or gender identity?
Don’t raise the issue unless you’re able to respond with confidence to the question “Are you sure?” Confusion on your part will increase your parents’ confusion and decrease their confidence in your conclusions. If you do decide to come out before you are certain, you may have your parents’ support in your period of confusion, but you may also have pressure and their homophobia to contend with.
Are you comfortable with your sexual orientation and/or gender identity?
If you’re wrestling with guilt and periods of depression, you may be better off waiting to tell your parents. Coming out to them may require tremendous energy on your part; it will require a reserve of positive self-image.
Do you have support?
In the event that your parents’ reaction devastates you, there should be someone or a group that you can confidently turn to for emotional support and strength. Maintaining your sense of self-worth is critical.
Are you knowledgeable about homosexuality and gender issues?
Your parents will probably respond based on a lifetime of information from a homophobic society. If you’ve done some serious reading on the subject, you’ll be able to assist them by sharing reliable information and research.
What’s the emotional climate at home?
If you have the choice of when to tell, consider the timing. Choose a time when they’re not dealing with such matters as the death of a close friend, pending surgery, or the loss of a job.
Can you be patient?
Your parents will require time to deal with this information if they haven’t considered it prior to your sharing.
What’s your motive for coming out now?
Hopefully, it is because you love them and are uncomfortable with the distance you feel. Never come out in anger or during an argument, using your sexuality as a weapon.
Do you have available resources?
Homosexuality is a subject most non-gay people know little about. It can help to have available at least one of the following: a book addressed to parents, a contact for the local or national Parents and Friends of Lesbian and Gays, the name of a non-gay counselor who can deal fairly with the issue.
Are you financially dependent on your parents?
If you suspect they are capable of withdrawing college finances or forcing you out of the house, you should consider how to best manage the possible consequences of coming out.
What is your general relationship with your parents?
If you’ve gotten along well and have always known their love and shared your love for them in return then it is more likely they’ll be able to deal with the issue in a positive way.
What is their moral/societal view?
Take into consideration what your parents generally believe is morally and socially acceptable when deciding whether or not they will be accepting of your sexuality.
Is this your decision?
Not everyone should come out to their parents. Don’t be
pressured into it if you’re not sure you’ll be better off by doing so.
WHEN SOMEONE COMES
OUT TO YOU
Your Positive Reaction
Don’t judge. Regardless of your own personal or moral belief about LGBT people, keep in mind that the person has made hirself vulnerable. Simply listen to the person.
Acknowledge them. Let them know that you heard what they said and ask open-ended questions to show that you are interested and care.
Recognize the trust. If someone voluntarily comes out to you ze is putting a lot of trust in you and has used a lot of courage. It can be good to acknowledge that courage and trust.
Match their words. Remember that this is about how they identify. It is important to use the same language that they use. If the person identifies hirself as gay, then use the word “gay.” If ze uses queer, then use the word “queer.”
Mirror emotions. You should be mindful of their emotions concerning coming out. If the person is happy, don’t talk about how difficult it must be.
Don’t let sex be your guide. Don’t assume, just because someone has had a same-sex sexual encounter, that the person identifies as gay. Also don’t assume, just because someone identifies as gay, that the person has had a same-sex sexual encounter.
Maintain contact. Let the person know that they are still important to you. You don’t need to change the way you interact or how often you see the person in the future.
Keep confidentiality. LGBT people face many forms of discrimination and harassment in society. It is important to make sure to never share a person’s identity unless it is with someone ze has told you knows. A good rule of thumb is, “if your not sure, don’t share.”
Give resources. When someone comes out to you, it is possible that ze is already very knowledgeable about resources, but ze also might not know of any. Share what resources you have and make an active effort to learn about new useful resources.
Just listen. The most important thing you can do is to listen. Being LGBT isn’t a problem that needs solving or something that becomes easy to deal with given just the right resource. LGBT identities are part of who people are. When you listen to people tell you about their identities, you learn more about who that person is.