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GLBT YOUTH
GLBT Concerns in Our Schools
Gay,
lesbian, bisexual and transgender young people are increasingly visible
in our schools. Why? Probably partly because young people in general are
reaching puberty at younger ages than they did in generations past. And
probably partly because sexual minority young people are growing up in
the midst of a civil rights movement, feeling both an urgency and an
increasing sense of community in their normal adolescent quests for
identity and integrity.
Recent studies have shown that, on average, lesbian and gay youth first
become aware of their same-gender attractions at an average of 9-10
years old and first identify as lesbian or gay at an average of 14-16
years old.
From Safe Schools Coalition
YOUTH CONCERNS
Adults Helping GLBT
Teens
QUESTION:
I would like to know how to help my neighbor's sixteen year old son. I
am a good friend of the family yet have been sworn to secrecy by my
children NOT to breathe a word about his disclosure to the parents about
being gay. My kids only told me because they are worried about his
safety as he is meeting people via the internet then meeting much older
(19-24) men at their homes -- at times getting into unsafe situations --
already, at least one assault. He doesn't want anyone to know at school
so he goes farther away (creating more home strife). I know the family
life is somewhat difficult (normal teen angst) in general but the Mom
would be more supportive than he thinks. His Dad could be a problem. Is
there a 'safe' phone number or local group that can help him develop a
happy healthy gay life? How can his friends encourage safer behavior to
avoid violence? How do nice gay kids meet other nice gay kids when they
have straight friends? I can pass the information through my kids. Any
help or direction would be appreciated.
ANSWER:
Your neighbor and your children are lucky to have an adult like you in
their lives. I have a few suggestions.
First, it’s perfectly OK to let him know that you’re afraid for him and
to tell him that he needs to start being safer or that you WILL have to
get his mom, at least, involved. In the meantime, tell him that you will
consider yourself as sort of a surrogate mom. And together, you will
negotiate dating rules with him.
Talk to him about the fact that, in many places, guys over 18 could go
to jail for having sex – or even talking about having sex – with
somebody his age. And it’s not a homophobic thing; those laws apply to
heterosexual relationships, too. Explain that we have laws like that for
a reason: that it’s so easy for a younger person to get hurt in these
relationships. Sometimes physically, as happened to him once already,
but almost always emotionally. They may want different things than their
older partner out of the relationship. They may go along with things
they think are wrong – or just aren’t enjoying – because it’s hard to
say “no” to someone who seems older and wiser. They may invest their
hearts in a relationship that means more to them than it does to the
older person and then get their hearts broken when it ends. In the
meantime, they may give up their same-age friends and interests and
regret that later. Even a few years can make a huge difference in how
much life experience you each have. That doesn’t mean an older guy’s
necessarily mature, mind you. There are even 50-year-olds who act like
they’re in junior high. But it does put his younger partner at a
disadvantage if he thinks one thing and they think another, because he
may seem to know better whether he does or not. You and your young
neighbor can find some advice about Internet safety here:
http://www.elight.org/e/computer-safety.shtml
The next issue is how to find gay guys his own age. You don’t say where
you live, but most U.S. cities and some outside the U.S. have support
groups for teens who are lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender or
questioning. To find one, you might start by checking out this page on
our web site:
http://www.safeschoolscoalition.org/blackboard-organizations.html
If that doesn’t find you a group, try going to Google and typing in
“[your town] +gay +youth” and see what you get. Or check with a local
gay, lesbian, bisexual transgender (GLBT) community center if there is
one in your town. However, if there’s no group within driving distance,
or if your young friend doesn’t drive or have public transportation,
there are other alternatives. Youth Guardian Services has an email list
for GLBT and Questioning YOUTH13-17:
http://www.youth-guard.org/projects/
He’d find a webring and message boards at this trustworthy site:
http://www.youthresource.com/community/gay/index.cfm
There’s a toll-free hotline called The Peer Listening Line where he can
talk with other gay youth under the supervision of counseling
professionals, staffed (Pacific Standard Time): Monday-Friday, 9:00
p.m.-1:00 a.m. [6-10 Eastern].
http://www.fenwayhealth.org/services/helpline.htm
Phone: 1-800-399-PEER.
Then there’s the issue of the wisdom and way to come out to his parents.
There's no easy answer. Some young people who come out to their families
end up -- usually after some angst -- being cherished and supported in
their quest for healthy adulthood. Others get kicked out or beaten up or
forced into the kind of "counseling" that purports to change people's
sexual orientations. Together, you and your young friend might want to
check out the advice on this web page:
http://www.hrc.org/ncop/guide/index.asp
Also, your local chapter of PFLAG, Parents, Families and Friends of
Lesbians and Gays may be able to give you both a helpful listening ear
and a copy of a pamphlet entitled “Read This Before Coming Out to Your
Parents.” You can probably find a nearby PFLAG chapter at:
http://www.pflag.org/chapters/find.html.
Finally, we can recommend a great book for the two of you (and your
children, as his friends): Free Your Mind: The Book For Gay, Lesbian,
And Bisexual Youth And Their Allies, Ellen Bass, 1996. (ISBN:
0060951044).
Hope that helps a little. Congratulations for being the kind of mom your
kids would trust with something this important and for raising the kind
of kids who know how to be there for their friend.
From Safe Schools Coalition