AGLBICAL

The Gay Agenda

I know that many of you have heard Pat Robertson, Jerry Fallwell and others speak of the "Homosexual Agenda," but no one has ever seen a copy of it. Well, I have finally obtained a copy directly from the Head Homosexual. It follows below:

6:00 AM Gym

8:00 AM Breakfast (oatmeal and egg whites)

9:00 AM Hair appointment

10:00 AM Shopping

12:00 PM Brunch

2:00 PM

1) Assume complete control of the U.S. Federal, State and Local Governments as well as all other national governments,

2) Recruit all straight youngsters to our debauched lifestyle,

3) Destroy all healthy heterosexual marriages,

4) Replace all school counselors in grades K-12 with agents of Colombian and Jamaican drug cartels,

5) Establish planetary chain of "homobreeding gulags" where over-medicated imprisoned straight women are turned into artificially impregnated baby factories to produce prepubescent love slaves for our devotedly pederastic gay leadership,

6) bulldoze all houses of worship

7) Secure total control of the internet and all mass media for the exclusive use of child pornographers.

2:30 PM   Get forty winks of beauty rest to prevent facial wrinkles from stress of world conquest

4:00 PM   Cocktails

6:00 PM   Light Dinner (soup & salad, with Chardonnay)

8:00 PM   Theater

11:00 PM   Go to Bed (with trick du jour?)

Top Ten Signs You're A Gay Cowboy

10. "Your saddle is Versace"

9. "Instead of 'Home On The Range', you sing 'It's Raining Men'"

8. "You enjoy ridin', ropin', and redecoratin'"

7. "Sold your livestock to buy tickets to 'Mamma Mia'"

6. "After watching reruns of 'Gunsmoke', you have to take a cold shower"

5. "Native Americans refer to you as 'Dances With Men'"

4. "You've been lassoed more times than most steers"

3. "You're wearing chaps, yet your 'ranch' is in Chelsea"

2. "Instead of a saloon you prefer a salon"

1. "You love riding, but you don't have a horse"

Coming Out For Christmas
Sung to the Tune of "Hark the Herald Angels Sing"

I intend to drop a bomb
On my dear old dad and mom.
For this year, without a doubt
Is the Christmas I come out.

First I`ll get their full attention.
Then slip in a subtle mention:
"Tasty turkey! Perfect Peas!
Could someone pass (I`m gay) the cheese?"
That should do the job okay
When I come out on Christmas Day.

Oh say can you see it now
Watch my parents have a cow.
Or perhaps, if fate is kind
The'll insist that they don't mind.

Then they'll say "We always guessed.
After all look how you're dressed.
Seven earrings in each ear.
We're not quite that dense, my dear."
They'll adore me anyway.
When I come out on Christmas Day.

Coming out to everyone
Makes the winter doldrums fun.
It's a noble thing to do.
Why don't you come on out too.

Make the choice! Damn consequence!
Lift your voice, get off the fence!
Shout it from the highest roof:
Gay is great and you're the proof.
Make this Christmas bright and gay.
Come on out on Christmas Day!

Words by Craig Sturgis, 1992

Ten Reasons Gay Marriages Are Wrong

1. Homosexuality is not natural. Real people always reject unnatural things like eyeglasses,
polyester, and air conditioning.

2. Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around
tall people will make you tall.

3. Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may
even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage
contract.

4. Heterosexual marriage has been around a long time and hasn't changed at all; women
are still property, blacks still aren't supposed to marry whites.

5. Straight marriage will be less meaningful if homosexual marriage were allowed;
the sanctity of Brittany Spears' 55-hour just-for-fun marriage would be destroyed.

6. Heterosexual marriages are valid because they produce children. Homosexual couples,
infertile couples, and old people shouldn't be allowed to marry because our orphanages
aren't full yet, and the world needs more children.

7. Obviously gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight
children.

8. Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of
one religion are imposed on the entire country. That's why we have only one religion in
North America.

9. Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home. That's
why we as a society expressly forbid single parents to raise children.

10. Gay marriage will change the foundation of society; we could never adapt to new
social norms. Just like we haven't adapted to cars, the service-sector economy,
or longer life spans.

GayChristians.Com

Lightbulbs, Lawnmowers, and Lesbians

Q: How many lesbians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: Four. One to change it, two to organize the potluck and one to write a folk song about the empowering experience.

Cowboy Joke

An old cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his drink, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life, breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women."

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."

From: Kathy Belge

On her radio show, Dr. Laura Schlesinger said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstance.

The following response is an open letter to Dr. Laura, penned by a U.S. resident, which was posted on the Internet. It's funny, as well as informative:

Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination...End of debate.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God's Law and how to follow them.

1. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odour for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbours. They claim the odour is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offence.

4. Lev.25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighbouring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

5. I have a neighbour who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2. The passage clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev.11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Are there 'degrees' of abomination?

7. Lev.21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev.19:27. How should they die?

9. I know from Lev.11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? - Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev.20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I am confident you can help.

Thank you again for reminding us that God's Word is eternal and unchanging.

Your adoring fan,
James M. Kauffman, Ed.D.
Professor Emeritus
Dept. of Curriculum, Instruction, and Special Education
University of Virginia
405 Emmet Street South
PO Box 400273
Charlottesville, VA 22904-4273